The Hard

It’s been hot here. It was forecast to hit 110 Fahrenheit a few weeks ago (not normal), but smoke from wildfires across the state as well as up into Canada, helped keep the sun’s heat down to a mere 108. We escaped to the coast. Down to the southern corner in a little cove of, well, serenity. We went camping. Iris and I where avid backpackers in college, but that wasn’t possible in Russia. And in Mongolia, we did a fair bit of camping in yurts. All of our backpacking gear we left here, and we have been slowly upgrading it to newer items. We’ve also been exploring this whole world of car camping. It’s been a lot of fun, and hopefully, I’ll get to take the kids backpacking soon, maybe next Spring.

I digress.

This little cove of serenity I was talking about… The tide went in and out over 8 and  half feet at some points. We found “hidden” coves where we had to use a rope to climb down to the momentarily exposed beaches (perhaps a kayak or two are needed in the future). One morning, early, when the fog hadn’t fully left the inlet, and the kids and Iris were asleep, I took my coffee and went for a walk to the beach. The water was out a good 100 meters or so as it was the point of lowest tide. I explored. I explored tree trunks that had been there for years, slowly succumbing to the sea. I saw mollusks, crabs and other creatures that were exposed for such a brief time.

And then  I saw veins of hard rock that ran straight up the cliffs and the whole width of the bay. These veins of hard rock were anywhere from a few inches to 2-3 feet high, creating ridges, like you would see in driftwood. The softer, porous rock had eroded away much sooner, and mollusks had attached themselves to these hardened veins. It was…incredible. I so enjoy the early morning thoughts and reflections that come…just like Jesus was standing next to me, drinking a cup of coffee and just waiting there, patiently with me.

This bay was scarred. Scarred and marked from centuries, maybe millennia, of continual thrashing by the waves. The pic above is my oldest walking in one of those scars.And yet, those scars are one of the most beautiful things about that cove. In some of these pocks and holes made by erosion, are where the hermit crabs hid, the anemones, starfish and sea urchins had attached themselves. It’s where the cove really came to life to be honest.

This season that Iris and I have been walking through, we have posed the question “why does it always have to be the hard things?” I’m not sure if you have ever felt that way, but it seems as though we are constantly doing the hard. I know that’s not true. One thing I’ve learned is that when I start using extreme terms (like always, never, every time, constantly, etc.), that is a sign I’m not seeing things objectively. I am caught in a rut and can’t see out to see the bigger picture of it all.

And, another thing I have learned, is that in the hard, that is when we are formed and molded the most. That’s where I learn, that’s where I give pause, reflect, lean into community, lean into Christ….pray…the most. Yes, those things also happen in times of great rejoicing and in times of great calm. But, they most often happen when I’m being tossed and turned by the waves and situations of life. It sucks. I won’t sugar coat it. And for those of you who have gone through it, I think you would agree. And each time, it takes me a while, to finally come to a point of allowing it to happen and allowing God to show me why, as opposed to me trying to figure it out like it was some trigonometry math problem.

I’m not sure where you are in that process, but perhaps this brings you hope. Perhaps it lets you know that you are not alone and you’re not the only person to walk this road. Or, maybe it brought a bit of perspective. Either way, one take away for me…..the beauty is in the scars.

be blessed today

Living Life in 3D

Those hot summer nights. I remember them clearly. The sun shining way into the evening, the last glimmer of sunlight and the moon shining in it’s fullness at the same time. Then, as it gets darker, the fireflies come out to play, and then the stars. Oh the stars. Growing up in the middle of farming country had some perks, and one of them was little light pollution. The first time I really, and I mean really, encountered the stars was on a backpacking trip in Glacier National Park in Montana here in the States. There were no city lights at all, and the stars were almost as plentiful as rain drops in a downpour. They were…something bigger….something…..more. More than I had once thought. Something grander than I had once believed.

The path of self discovery. It’s incredibly important for each and everyone of us to travel down. And, as I mentioned in an earlier post, we can’t just stop there. Though many often do, this simply leads to a one sided, one dimensional outlook on life-simply who we are. That may not sound so simple. And it’s not. We are incredibly complex. Which is why we must keep going. Going…past the point of self discovery, to the realm of self awareness. Understanding how others experience and the wake we may be leaving, is key to growth and maturity. It’s when we begin to become less self focused and more focused on those around us. Even the “other.” The ones we swear we are nothing like. Perhaps we could consider this two dimensional. And, for a mature adult, this could be the stopping point.

For me, self discovery is where I had stopped for awhile. That is until I realized for the first time, the massive wake I was leaving behind me. And I could have stopped there. Working on me and my behavior, trying to reach out to the other, or at least become more tolerant of the other. And I do continually try to learn more about my wake. But God continued to invite further. The path from this point on, just like the path up to this point, was uncharted, unknown and scary.

Looking up at the stars, that feeling of bigness, and that I am a part of that bigness, is something that invites us into it. And that is where our lives become, for lack of a better descriptor, three dimensional. It’s when we’ve gone from understanding who we are, and how others experience us, to understanding who we are IN Christ.

I have met so many people, followers of Jesus, that have no idea who they are in Christ. This key part helps us to see that we are a part of something much bigger and grander than ourselves. That we are a part of a much larger narrative, a story that is being written as we live, that God continually invites us into. We are more valuable than we could ever imagine, we are more precious than we could ever dream. I remember once hearing an interview with J. K. Rowling, the creator and author of Harry Potter. She said, “I always knew how the story would end.”She goes on to say that it was the story leading up to that end that was what brought her enjoyment and life.

And I believe Christ is the same with us. We are a part of a grand story. Each day, each moment in that presence of Christ, is another opportunity of learning about who we are from the One who created us. Who puts the very breath in our lungs. Why we are wired or gifted or skilled a certain way. Looking back on the life lived already and seeing how God used us through those things, and seeing we are a part of something much greater. Though we may seem insignificant, He desires us to be very intricate parts of it. We need to be reminded of those things from time to time. I hope you are.

be blessed today

 

Getting Caught in the Wake

Oh, that feeling. I hate it. Man, I hate it. It doesn’t matter if the person is small, big, girl, boy, old, young. It doesn’t matter whether or not they are in a position over you or under you at work. It is still uncomfortable. Walking on egg shells. It’s just not fun.

One of the biggest issues in the American Church today, is our lack of self awareness. Or put differently, our lack of understanding how we are experienced by others. This doesn’t just come in our personal interaction with people on a moment by moment or daily basis. But it also comes in our actions and verbiage towards “the other.” “The Others” are other people with differing views, perspectives, faith, theologies and lifestyles than us. In many cases, we may even just naturally assume that everyone else agrees with us or is just like us. Especially if we are part of the same faith community.

I am just as guilty of this as anyone else. I have made (and still do, I’m sure) blanket statements, stereotypes, and rash, harsh judgements. I can be arrogant, or perhaps my self confidence can come across as arrogance. I’ve made mention before that I am a tall, large, white male. This can cause intimidation, fear, feelings of frustration and/or being inferior in others around me. Whether I am trying to bring about these feelings or not, the truth is that simply who I am and how I act can bring about those feelings. A few years ago, I probably would have scoffed at that last sentence, but I have become much more aware of my wake.

 

Last post, I started a dialogue about self discovery. I really do feel this is an important step in our growth as people and especially as followers of Jesus. As we begin to walk down that road of self discovery, we could end up in a place of great growth. But we need humility. Self discovery, if carried long enough and is added with humility, will bring about self awarenesssocial-icons-01

Self awareness is when we begin to understand the wake that we are leaving behind us. Just as a speed boat cruising along at top speed will leave a tremendous wake, so do our actions. There’s a reason why marina’s have a “no wake” policy. If a boat is racing through the marina, it can cause a lot of damage to the docks, the other boats and even the shoreline. Our wake has an impact on those around us. And often times, it is hard for us to see our wake. It’s hard for us to see or understand how others are experiencing us. This is a key area of growth for us as people, let alone as people who are trying to follow Jesus a little better everyday.

I have people who I trust, who I have given the freedom to call me out on my stuff and to call me out when my wake is leaving a path of destruction. I tell them very clearly that I may not respond well to them initially, but I do want them to call me out on it. Why? Because if they don’t, and everyone else is walking on egg shells, who will speak out? And, how will I know what destruction I am leaving if no one speaks out? The Holy Spirit is there to reveal those things to us, to convict us. I don’t know about you, but many times I am too blind to see the Spirit or to busy and self focused to hear Him.

Self awareness, how others experience us, the wake we leave behind us are just another aspect of this journey of self discovery. And yes, just like finding ourselves (how we’re wired, skilled, likes and dislikes) is important, this is where many stop and dare go no further. They don’t dare continue to walk this path of self discovery. Yet, that’s exactly what God desires us to do…..the next part of the journey….

more to come…

be blessed today

 

Have You Found Yourself?

I can’t pin point the exact time it happened to me. I think with most things in life, it came about slowly, over time. It evolved. In all my travels around the globe, I’ve run into many people who were on that same journey. The places I found it most prevalent were in India, Nepal, Bali, Mongolia and a few places in the States such as here in Portland. But, I have encountered folks almost everywhere I’ve been, on the path of “finding themselves.”

My assumption is that the places I found it most, were  places that were very religiously “open.” Where people would not be shamed for believing what they did, no matter how ludicrous it may have seemed to people from their own home cultures. Sure, there was acceptance, but it was more than that. It was the freedom to dive into whatever beliefs they wanted to, carry that liturgy out to whatever extent they desired (minus murdering someone), and there was no public judgement or shaming. At least, not that they could tell.

The cultures we grow up in, no matter where we are, may have some sort of religious expectations upon us (no matter how religiously free we think we think our culture is). We believe what our parents believe, or perhaps we believe what the rest of the crowd we spent the most time with believes. And then, many of us hit a point where we think “what do I actually believe?” What I’ve noticed is that when we start down that road, we then begin to ask, “Who am I?” And so the journey of self discovery begins.

I’ve seen many people on this constant journey to find themselves. Trying to figure out small things such as, “do I really like broccoli” to much deeper more profound things like “do I really believe in God?” I firmly believe this journey is incredibly important to our growth as people. Figuring out our identity, our passions, our desires is foundational in really understanding who we are. This is the point where a lot of people I know have entered into a real, or more accurate understanding  of who they are, not what the world has told them they are. This is the journey of self discovery. I think this is an incredible moment in a person’s life. This is when people begin to really start to live in who they are. Finding themselves.

And then they stop. Or, they never add to this part of their journey. Don’t get me wrong, we need to be life long learners and learners of life. But that doesn’t mean staying in just this place.  It begins with asking the questions, “Who am I?” That could be a scary question, especially for a people pleaser like me. For a long time, and I still struggle with it, I was only who I was as long as people liked me, weren’t upset with me and who still accepted me. Simply put, to a point, I was a chameleon, able to blend in to any group, or more accurately, I took on the personality, likes/dislikes and interests of the group.

This lasted for a while, until I got to the point I realized I had no idea who I actually was. I couldn’t dissect me from them (whoever “them” was at the time). Again, I can’t pin point when it started, but it was somewhere around the senior year of high school and freshman year of college. And it has not ended since then. I am still discovering who I am. But I have added to the things I am learning about myself. We’ll tackle that in the next two posts. For today, perhaps it’s good to reflect and simply ask ourselves, “do I know who I am?”

More to come…

be blessed today

 

Actively Passive

When we knew God was leading us away from Russia, we began to ask “Where to?” God was silent…actually silent for awhile. There were many times I sat down with my spiritual director or a “soul friend” and lament. Lament is something we have forgotten in our North American church culture…but that’s another post. My laments were of sadness, the reality of grief of the loss of leaving somewhere we thought we’d be for a long time. And then there was the lament of frustration, the colorful language of fear, confusion and disorientation coming out. This was a calling out of God to be true to Who He said He was in His written word-a lamp shining on my feet and a light shining on my path. I forget that a torch, or an oil burning lamp doesn’t cast a very bright light…nothing like my LED backpacking headlamp does. No, a torch is just a few steps….

Anyway, my frustration led me to do what I know how to do…actively seek out where it is, hoping something would stick. Not quite throwing a wet noodle on a wall to see if it would stick, but close enough. I am a big believer in throwing things to the wind and seeing what happens. You don’t know unless you try is my philosophy, and so I did. Cold calls to churches in Canada, emails to churches in New Zealand, Australia, the UK, Sweden. Conversations with friends and friends of friends in Paris, the States and other places. And yet, nothing took. My active seeking out was becoming fruitless. As much as I am this active way, Iris is just as much the other way. Waiting to see what drops in our laps and then follow through on it is more her way of seeing where it is God is leading.

In these two seemingly very opposite approaches, you might imagine a massive amount of conflict. And, yes, that would make logical sense. But for us it is tension. Not tension in that we’re at odds and we need to walk on eggshells all the time. No, I mean good tension. Tension  like that of a keel and the sail of a sail boat. The sail catches the wind which pushes the boat. The keel however, catches the water and uses it as a ballast to keep not only the boat upright, but also to keep the boat from being blown all over the place by the wind. This way, the sail and keel work together to harness the wind to move it forward in the most effective and efficient way possible. They work in tension at all times. And both of them are completely utterly passive. They simply are there, at tension with one another, and allowing the wind to move them.

Last time I wrote about being passively active, the idea that we can be constantly active without even realizing it. This can mean coming to God with an agenda of our own when we make time for Him, and/or it can mean that we are living out our agenda all the time, simply asking God to bless it. I asked Iris the other day if she could sum up how she approaches God’s leading and she said it like this, “It’s watching for where He’s leading and then walking towards that, as opposed to going after every avenue and waiting for Him to close doors.” That latter part, that’s me. I’ve learned to follow my gut, and usually that works for me. However, there are times that I’ve learned I need to become actively passive. That is, simply wait on God and see what falls in my lap. Sure I earnestly seek Him in certain areas, but I’ve come to a point where I usually come to Him expecting…..expecting Him, and nothing else. Since I started living this way simply being, and I don’t do it all the time, but since I started approaching life this way, there have been far more unexpected experiences, lessons, encounters and Truths I’ve been met with than I would have ever expected. It’s the active decision to just be. There is an incredible amount of peace in that, that surrender and release. Believe me, I continue to experience it.

Perhaps today is a day you need to become actively passive, stop the doing and and just be. I know it’s super hard, but what would happen if you tried that today, asking for awareness of God’s presence and allowed Him to do what He does?

be blessed today

How Do You Measure The Infinite?

Structure. Structure has several meanings. There is the structure in regards to a plan, structure in regards to a rhythm of life, and then of course, structure in regards to the actual building structure. We build portfolio’s, planning for years or even decades to come. This fund and that fund, all in hopes that we can plan out everything in our future and have no worries. We put dependence in that, and therefore, we are worry free. At least that’s our hope. That’s structure in regards to a plan. We have administrative assistants, or worse case scenario, the leather-bound day planner that structures our our meetings, practices, workouts, lunches and birthdays-structure in regards to rhythm. And, we have our business buildings, shopping malls, apartment buildings, homes or even tents-structure in regards to physical place.

These different structures are meant to aide us in our lives. Help when we are too aged to be able to take care of ourselves, help so that we make time for those things we deem important and needed and help in making life easier, warmer, more comfortable. And these structures aren’t bad in and of themselves. They exist to aide us. But far too often, I’ve noticed in my own life, that instead of aiding me, I begin to live for these structures instead of theses structures existing to aide me. My reliance upon God is replaced with reliance on these things. When these things are out of line, I scramble to put them back into place, forgetting God in the midst, only to return to Him when my structure, in it’s various forms, is restored to a “liveable” state.

Reliance on those things replaces relationship with God. I’m assuming, again at least for me, that I put reliance on those things because I can touch them, feel them, see them. They are tangible, measurable, containable, etc. But God is not measurable. And therefore, we cannot fully understand.

If we cannot fully understand and contain, how can we then trust? In the evangelical world in America (I don’t say “West” because the West is not just the United States and Canada, or Western Europe, but Australia, New Zealand, South Korea and other places; incredibly diverse), we have come to a place where we have to “prove” God. We have to give scientific evidence, and argue and debate from a “prove it” offensive. Yet, God never called us to do this. We took this upon ourselves because it was too hard to believe in a God that, like the wind, blows where He wants, when He wants, how He wants. The wind is un-containable, and therefore we cannot master it. Otherwise, no pun intended, it would blow our mind. We put our reliance in our schedules, structures, in our scientific “facts” about God. But what if those were to crumble? A few posts ago, I began writing a series of posts talking about desire and dependence. I’ve been mulling over for sometime now (by time I mean a few years) about our relationship to God and where our desires have taken us from where we were to where we are now. It’s a wrestle in the mud kind of idea. But reliance and us having to build constraints to feel that we can rely on Him, have been apart of the journey we have been on as a Church.

What’s funny, is that we also cannot fully understand each other. I’ve been married to Iris for 15 years, and I still learn more about her each day. I come to a more fuller understanding of her each moment. I know I will never come to a complete understanding of her and I don’t want to. I want to continue to learn about her and learn from her. Because If I ever find myself in a moment when I have come to a complete understanding of her, a moment when I can “measure” or “contain” her, what kind of relationship would there be? What desire, need, hunger or even interest would there be towards her?

God is infinitely more “complex” than we are. There is security in Him, but not in the ways we think. Not in the ways we can measure, contain, encapsulate into a tidy, neat package. I want to serve a God…and love a God like that. That I can explore the height, depth and breadth of His love for me for all eternity…..and never reach the end.

be blessed today

 

 

The Break

I had a pretty heated discussion a while back with a friend. I had spoke with them in great detail about some private things, and had assumed it wouldn’t be a big deal for them to hear it. After hearing it, they began to push that I give them permission to share this with with other people. I calmly replied back that I would appreciate it if they didn’t say anything. And then, then came more pressing. Pressing and pressing, and me in shock that my friend would have pushed this hard to share something so private. My trying to keep calm and trying to wrap my head around why they were pushing so hard, I finally said firmly yet sorrowfully, “Listen, I cannot control you. If you want to share these details, it’s your choice. But I have asked you repeatedly not to and would hope that you would honor that request.”

That was the end of the conversation. We said our goodbyes, and I got in my car and just sat there, dumbfounded. The damage had already been done. No, not the damage of sharing private information, they had decided to not do that. No, the damage was the break in our once close relationship. That encounter caused me to hold them at arms length, and the intimacy we once shared, was no longer present. Eventually we made amends, but it took awhile for that to happen as I was so incredibly hurt.

God allows us the desires of our hearts. Either those desires are in alignment with His, or they’re not and He allows us to pursue them anyhow. He won’t control, instead He gives us the freedom to choose. But, it comes with a cost. It comes with the price of a broken relationship with the Creator, the Builder.

That is exactly what happened with Adam and Eve. He allowed it, sure. But it cost them something we have been trying to get back to as a human race ever since. And we’ve tried to fill it with everything we can, but not with God.

The next few posts, I’ll be sharing something I’ve been wrestling with and have not come to an end conclusion. But it does have some pretty significant impacts on how I view God. Not my original thoughts, but ones I think that are worth wrestling in the mud with.

But for today, it is simply the acknowledgement of a gracious loving God, who even when we are pursuing something that will hurt our relationship with Him, He still allows us to simply so we are the ones who choose Him for who He is. Romans 1 is a very clear picture of that. And, because He is just that gracious, kind, compassionate and loving, when we get into the pit of our pain from those choices, He is still there willing to carry us on His broad shoulders, with gentle hands and strong feet on solid ground. What a blessing that truly is. I hope we all can reflect on that picture as we go through the worries of today and try to save off the worries of tomorrow.

be blessed today