I am very thankful that I have a community that I have surrounded myself with. It’s amazing to me, at times, to look back and see the people who were in my path that have helped guide me, as questions to help me reflect on where I had been and where I was heading, to simply help me be aware of who was in my presence and how the present had much to teach me.
I am thankful, also, for my growing self awareness. I hope and pray that each passing day I become more aware of how I am experienced by others. That I am seeing more clearly the wake I am leaving behind me as I engage with those around me. What I have come to understand about myself and, from what I can tell, everyone else around me, is that we are compulsive.
Each of us has our own compulsive behaviors that we have. Some call them habits, some call them defense mechanisms, some call them addictions. Whatever they are called, they are there, feeding on our lack of desire to engage pain and hurt. This compulsivity to numb whatever feelings we are feeling drives us to react in ways that, oddly enough, causes us more pain. My addictions-hurts, hangups and habits- are many. But one is the constant desire to move forward without ever looking back. To “progress” without reflecting on what happened, why it happened and what I felt during the process.
Grief and mourning have never been friends of mine. Moving forward allows me to ignore those feelings….for awhile.
Then comes a disruption. A disruption can be something small-getting a cold for example. A disruption can be something massive-someone dying or a major decision to be made changing life as you know it. It simply depends. I would assume over the course of my life there have been several thousand disruptions. Who knows. But it wasn’t until the past few years that I began to take notice of when those disruptions came about.
Usually for me, it’s when major things happen, I’m noticing that things are a little off or have this compulsive desire to move on but can’t. That’s when, again thankful for the community I’ve surrounded myself with, I lean into them and they are able to point out what I’m missing. They are able to help me see where I’m not engaging in the present and what’s to learn from it instead of moving onto something else and missing the truth found here first.
As my spiritual director put it last month, God is doing a deeper work in me. I need to allow space for the disruption and surrender myself to God’s deeper work. Only then can I be released from my compulsivity and engage with what God is doing. I hope this for us all.
When we stop and acknowledge whatever hurts, habits or hang ups we have in our lives, we begin the process of surrendering that compulsivity that allows them to keep numbing and hiding what God is doing. My prayer is that we all do that, continually. It is a journey this gift we call life.
Have you come to a place of disruption? What kind of impact came about from it? I’d love to hear your story.